From being micro-managed to full on harassment or abuse, being bullied at work can vary in intensity but can make your life a misery. What can you do about it? How do you deal with a bully at work without making things worse for yourself?
As an ex HR manager, I have encountered quite a spectrum of different bullying flavours and seen many different reactions to the bully too. It’s an extremely problematic issue for many individuals and the organisations they work for.
As a holistic vocal coach, my focus in this blog, is on trusting your own voice and being courageous and true to yourself in the face of bullying behaviour. It will also give some pointers on how to remain connected to the power and authority of your whole self in total presence so that you can manage the situation wisely.
So, let’s break that down a little:
Being courageous in this situation and acting in a way that will protect yourself and others, even if that feels uncomfortable.
Being true to yourself with no apology, pandering, pleasing or giving your power away in any way, shape or form.
Being your whole self in presence. It doesn’t necessarily mean answering back with a smart reply, but it does require being connected with yourself. What happens at work is often a reflection of what is happening in other areas of your life such as socially or in your relationships generally. Observing the game that is playing out in this ‘toxic relationship’ from all angles is only possible if we stop emphasising the personal pain of the situation and instead, zoom out and see the bigger picture - that bullying behaviour is an energy and rarely affects one person or one area of your life.
I’m also going to share my own experience of being bullied and what it can lead to as well as my own perspective and how I felt empowered to say no to any kind of abuse, to heal and actually transform the situation.
I'm going to introduce a little mantra that helps to de-personalise the situation. Treat every relationship, however toxic, as ENERGY first person second.
How do you know you're being bullied?
Sometimes it's obvious. I was called into the office of my boss and proceeded to shout at me and told me that I was an embarrassment to the company. He was trying to intimidate me and he was used to getting his own way. We could say that he was a bully but in that instance I didn't allow the bullying to bully me. I spoke my truth, not in justification but I stated facts calmly. I was fired so I sought legal help and filed for unfair dismissal. I didn't do this as revenge - I did it to nip the energy in the bud and communicate to him that it is never OK to allow that bullying energy to be expressed. He should not have taken me into an office alone and I should not have agreed to go with him, but this is a clear case of being bullied at work and when things are in plain sight, it's easier in some ways to deal with them - the law is on your side. 10 years ago even this obvious case would have been a different story and it still is for many. How many endure that kind of abuse and try forever harder to win the approval of the persecutor?
But sometimes it's not so obvious that you are being bullied, for example; have you ever been micro-managed?
This may not feel like bullying, especially if it is disguised underneath a sickly cloak of niceness, however, when you think about it, any controlling or imposing behaviour that invades your space, tries to control you and how you express yourself without appreciating or trusting your own ability to deal with things, feels like a bull crashing into your space and chips away at your confidence.
I've worked for a micro-manager or two. One of my managers would hover over me when I was writing an email, look closely at me with raised eyebrows when I answered a call and she checked every single email that I sent out before I sent it. There was also a noticeable lack of respect in the way she communicated with me in contrast with how she spoke to other co-workers.
What was happening here and how could I deal with this kind of bullying?
At the time, I had recently moved back to the UK after living in Spain for 20 years. I’d lost my home in Spain due to the economy and poor management of money. My children had left their friends and home and needed me to be strong. I rose to that demand, in fact, I was the strongest version of myself that I’ve ever been in my life.
But with that strength, there was also fear and anxiety that things could easily go awry. When I found a job, I over compensated by being nice and wanting to be a good worker to make sure I kept my job. It felt exhausting and somewhat controlling. This was an old pattern of mine having been bullied as a child, especially during my infant school years by a rather violent teacher. I got the lesson really early on that if you did poor work, you were smacked and shouted at - frightening for a 5 year old and certainly the cause of much of my anxiety as an adult with the need to get everything right.
But back to this case. My ‘story’ of coming back to the UK with two kids and two suitcases to start over, was one that defined me at that time, and this is what I took through the office door of this particular job. Although I really appreciated having the job (it really was a God send) I began with this poor-me energy. My manager sympathised with my situation but there was no true understanding and she reacted to the victim by persecuting. There's no need to know why - it was a trigger for her reaction to the energy that I was expressing myself in.
Remember; Energy first - person second.
When we express ourselves in a certain energy, and another reacts to that energy with another energy, we are just like actors playing our roles in a rather sick game of reactions!
As the organisation grew, this behaviour in my manager worsened and it was noticed by the CEO who who fired her. The result was a nasty court case that cost the organisation dearly, destroying the culture and trust of employees and taking up resources.
So, what could have happened? How can we deal with the obvious and more subtle bullying energy?
Turning it around - How to deal with a bully at work
I have finally got to the point where I can see the truth about being bullied and bullying others (yes the bullied become the bullies if the energy is not realised and let go of). I've had a few chances to deal with this particular scenario of Groundhog Day, because like a lot of scenarios in life, things you don't deal with tend to repeat and repeat until we eventually get it and move on. So, I now have a different way of dealing with this and learning to love my voice has had a lot to do with it.
Courage, Truth and Wholeness
I have learned to be courageous in the face of abuse. Everything was screaming within me to cry, run away, hand in my notice, but because of being honest with myself about what was happening, I was able to step up.
I brought my breath from deep down within me, I spoke from the stillness of my powerful and delicate voice. An oxymoron perhaps?
No. That power and delicateness are one and the same and the true and whole body expresses itself from a place of love - the love that I hold myself in first and foremost and which then enriches others. I have learned to de-personalised the situation, even if this isn't an immediate response (no perfection here) I don't look at the person in front of me who is lost in that bullying energy and allow myself to emphasise the rejection, sadness, anger or frustration. I just stand in my power and stay present and conncected to my whole body and if there is something to say, it is said from that space - steadily, unapologetically, and without justification - just truth. If silence is what is offered, that is how I respond, but I ALWAYS call out the truth of what is happening, whether it is communicated to another or not.
And although I can’t say that somebody's reaction of jealousy, fury, or control won't affect me or that it won’t ever be directed towards me again, I can say that I don’t fear it so much and in that presence and connection I can receive what I can say, not say, and how to act without being in the same reaction, i.e. coming from defensiveness, as a victim or in revenge.
If you are being bullied at work, you may observe how the person is caught up in a whirlwind of frustration and how out of balance they appear to be. If we are steady in ourselves, the balance can be restored. Emotional whirlwinds are just that - storms of energy. You can ask yourself what causes such disharmony and disconnection but to take this personally it becomes as dangerous as bleeding into shark infested waters.
Practical Actions I have spoken about the importance of expressing yourself courageously, authentically and in your wholeness (connection to yourself), but these are not always possible without having some support. I don't believe that we need to deal with a bully by ourselves. People need people to restore harmony. Yes, we can do things by ourselves, but we always benefit from the care of others.
So, if you're wondering if there is something you can do, I would always say that It’s important to talk about this!
If you are being bullied at work or anywhere in fact, and it's affecting your quality of life, the first thing to do is to talk about it the problem. This could be HR but if that feels too daunting, speak with a colleague/friend/partner/family member first.
Talking about what’s going on releases the tension and you’re often able to observe things from a different perspective. Distancing yourself a little from the immediate pain that you’re caught up in means that you’ll be more likely to understand the dynamics of the relationship with this person or people.
What else can you do?
Build a fitness of self-awareness and self-reflection so you can see that bigger picture and feel more intuitively into what to say and how to deal with a bully at work. Here are some examples:
keeping a journal and writing in it at least 3 times a week can help to create a ritual that becomes a consistency in self-reflection and observation. I find it supportive to write every morning at the same time. Write about your relationships both positive and negative i.e. the reactions and the appreciation you feel. Write anything you notice during a day about yourself (your strengths, triggers, uncomfortable thoughts or behaviours) write without any judgement towards yourself or anyone else and stay in presence (in concentration with the exercise). Don’t forget to write a couple of things that you appreciate about yourself in the context of your relationships, and one thing that you feel you could perhaps handle better.
Attune yourself to your own body (to balance the head, with its constant overthinking, with the stillness and wisdom from within your body) I do this through focusing on my breath and through feeling the vibrations of my voice within my body. The voice is a vibration, and how we speak can bring us gently back to our bodies. The more you use your voice in this gentle way, the less abusive the inner critic will be and that means a clearer and more productive response to relationships and life in general. So rather than what you will say or the words you will use, it’s more about how you are with yourself - the words that are needed just seem to materialise without the need to think about things too much when you are ON - focused and energetically present without the distracting emotional chatter that plays out in your head with its emphasis on the unfairness and indignation or judgement and justification about what going on.
And another word about depersonalising the bullying behaviour. You are not being bullied because you are weak, poor, useless, stupid etc., you are being bullied because you are allowing an energy that is being directed towards you, to disempower you. Yes you are ALLOWING it but NO you are not to blame and you are not any less for it. Everybody allows energy to grab them - we live in a sea of energy, but we need to stop absorbing the salt. We may also have certain tendencies around HOW we react or respond to that energy so rather than focusing on the outplay of what has happened in terms of what somebody said to you, ask yourself what you will allow in and whether it needs to stick around and pollute your airways. Is there any truth to what is going on? Is there any reason for another person to treat you any less than with the love you deserve? If the answer is NO (and I'm sure it will be if you are present right at this very moment), why waste energy on focusing on that? If the answer is yes, then there perhaps a focus on being more self-caring, self-loving towards yourself will be supportive.
NOBODY can touch the inner stillness and beauty of your being, so connect more with it (I can support you to do that by using your own voice to connect back to your body instrument and tune into the vibrational quality of your inner strength, beauty and wisdom) and make this a constant in your life.
Some things to consider....
Be more conscious of the words that you use. This requires presence again because if our minds are dwelling in yesterday or tomorrow, we are prey once more to the inner thoughts that disempower us. Ask yourself this: Do you sometimes say things that justify or excuse your actions? Do those words become defensive and strategic weapons or shields? And, have you noticed that at other times your words are delicately powerful, wise and intelligent and just seem to flow straight out of your mouth from seemingly nowhere?
Well, there is no need to change your vocabulary and memorise the dictionary and neither is this an opening to start judging yourself and your own ability to communicate effectively. Again, it’s an exercise in awareness and presence when expressing yourself.
Awareness is everything because once you are aware of how your expression can come forth like a reactive blast that you have no connection with, or from a wise inner response that you flow with, why would you choose the former and not the latter?
What are the words you often use to defend yourself in reaction to an attack and what words are used when you communicate the truth of how you are feeling? For example (true scenario): My boss asked me to do a task in an irritated way (due to the fact that he had had to ask me twice).
My reaction was immediate as I defended myself - I had no time to do what he wanted and I was overwhelmed and had forgotten to organise a follow up - I was also fearful at being shouted at in this way in front of my colleagues. So, I blurted out something about not having time to do it and that I hadn’t received a reply from the provider. Red cape to the bully energy!
His reaction was also immediate as he began to shout and compare me to the telesales staff who called continuously and always followed up with a lead - at that moment he wanted to crush me at all costs - how dare I justify myself with this excuse! When I recovered I reflected on my reaction and the words I had used - they were defensive and negative and were used to protect me and justify previous action. They also blamed others (blame is often a result of trying to protect yourself) and there is no possibility of forward action or openness to meet his needs when I say I don’t have time.
Now, I’m also not defending his behaviour. He was choosing to allow that expression from a place of tension and impatience. That’s what he would need to work on because that is stopping him from being the ALL of who he is. There is no requirement to pander to somebody’s behaviour, however, observing your reactions can lead to clarity and takes the personal stuff out of the way.
I was being asked to do a job that would usually be done by about 4 people in similar companies and I had absolutely no idea of what needed prioritising. There had been no induction and nobody ever really showed me the ropes. This was the problem at that particular office, obvious really when you think of the culture of a workplace and how it is influenced by the owners - it sure needed to be addressed - so what was stopping me from addressing it?
When I got over my initial feelings of humiliation, I wrote down the words that I really wanted to say in an email to my boss. I never sent that email, instead I spoke to him, but because I’d written them down, I had the space to be more centred with what I really felt to communicate. I asked what I needed to prioritise and I gave a breakdown of the time it took me to do the more time consuming activities of my job - I didn’t go into justification. I shared the truth (as this was something he had no idea about).
As the other partner had done some of my work load in the past, this was confirmed by him and there was more understanding.
I tuned into the truth and stayed present and the words just flowed. I maintained a connection with my own voice throughout and left space for him to comment. He didn’t have anywhere to go with that. He hasn’t changed. He still gets caught in a whirlwind of frustration when things don’t go his way, but honest conversation and understanding go a long way.
A final word or two…
A reaction is not necessarily quicker than a response, it just comes from a different place. It is not triggered by fear, frustration or anxiety, it is breathed on the same gentle breath and voice we can all build a relationship with.
Would you like to know more about how you can build a relationship with your voice and your whole body instrument so that you can express yourself authentically and powerfully?
For successful relationships at work and at home, for an expression that you can feel absolutely connected with and for a voice that carries love, power and inspiration, sign up below and get access to my free video series, “Courage, Confidence & Connection" where I give some tips on how to tap into your innate courage to face the fear, the confidence to speak your truth and the connection within yourself so you can be present and resilient in stressful situations.
Please do comment and let me know how you have dealt with bullying bosses and if this resonates with you - I love to hear from you.