The kids leave home - it’s inevitable and natural. The house is quieter and everywhere feels a little too spacious. Sometimes, loneliness opens its jaws so wide, it feels like you’ll be swallowed whole. Your partner doesn’t jump in to rescue you either - he’s not the knight in shining armour you married, in fact, that armour is a bit dull, rusty and impenetrable and you’re wondering why it’s still necessary for him to have it on around the house at all.
But despite the disconcerting quietness of the empty nest, you want to reconnect with your partner and you feel an energy within you that's fresh, empowered and even excited by the prospect of a new purpose. What could be next in this new chapter of your life?
Overcoming The Loneliness of The Empty Nest & Reconnecting With Your Partner
There was always the sound of a whole range of human emotions passing through the hall, the thud of feet up and down the stairs, the disarray in the bedrooms and the disaster in the bathrooms, but it was home and it felt whole.
I'd sometimes come home from work to find 4 teenagers sprawled over the sofa watching catch-ups of ‘Love Island’ or something similar.
“Hi mum” “what’s for dinner?” Nobody would get up to let me sit down. I would have jumped out of my skin under the same circumstances when I was a teen, but my head is just clocking it all and wondering if I’ve got enough food in the house to feed them all.
Being a mum of adolescents was rather like being a hotelier but it was fun too.
And when the kids have grown and flown you feel the empty nest and it can feel a pretty lonely place, especially if your relationship, which has possibly been more functional than intimate for a while, is now the focus again.
A word (or two) about loneliness; I think that we can sometimes make loneliness all about people. There’s this condition that loneliness happens when people aren’t around, but could the truth be more about being more aware of the factors that exasperate or placate the anxiety of feeling disconnected?
I rather enjoyed being alone as a child and I still enjoy a quiet house to myself, however, I also feel a sadness sometimes that I would describe as loneliness. I have since come to realise that you're never alone because the connection to yourself and your partner is ALWAYS just a breath away.
Even though many women experience a sense of loneliness, loss of identity or purpose, and relationship strain when the kids leave the nest, this stage of life presents a beautiful opportunity to rediscover innate strengths and discover new purpose and connection with yourself and your partner - a connection that may have been buried under the dishes of all those busy years of parenting.
It's important to reconnect to the true intimacy within yourself for intimacy to work with your partner. Sometimes that gets left at the bottom of your long list of 'to do's' when you're a working mum, but now there's space to feel the truth of this.
Here are some practical tips to reconnect to that deeper intimacy with yourself and your partner.
1. I Love Honesty and Transparency - Let's Get Naked (ooh risky!)
After years of organising, managing, arbitrating, consoling, serving and juggling your career with family obligations, it’s possible that having only each other to care for now feels a bit discombobulating. Communication may have been more functional than intimate when you were raising a family together, but now you have the space to rebuild intimacy through honest and transparent expression. Oh, and you can keep your clothes on for now!
Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable: Being transparent is the most beautiful expression as long as it is from the heart and not from manipulation. Share how you’re really feeling as clearly and as objectively as possible.
Drama triangles or roles that have been played out for many years can often cause reactions - withdrawal also being one such reaction. Be aware of the games that can be played and they won't have the power to suck you in. The more you observe the more aware you'll be.
Think about what enriches and not what encumbers: Rather than off-loading your emotions tidal-wave-style, take a moment and pause. A few gentle breaths and 5 minutes of stillness can help you to be clearer and communicate more openly. If something is challenging your partner, check in gently with them but avoid insisting. You need to build a safe space to express yourselves without fear of each other's reaction and what helps me is to see reactions as behaviours that occur when somebody feels that they haven't mastered a challenge (whether this is a task, a situation or a relationship). Seeing the behaviour and understanding it will help you to take the person out of the picture so that it doesn't trigger your own hurts.
Remember that listening is just as important as speaking. The ‘way’ you listen and speak is the most important thing. I support women to discover how their voices can help them to reconnect to their bodies and to feel a deeper sense of intimacy. Your voice is something that is used often during the day in many interactions so being more aware of the vibrational quality of your voice stops the reactions and helps you to respond more wisely. (For more information on this transformational technique, sign up for my guide that comes with an instructional audio to start you off.)
2. Drop the Ideals! The Picture is not Always The Truth.
Do you have a picture of how your relationship needs to be? Do you keep getting invasive thoughts about how you just don't have anything in common anymore?
Don’t expect - respect
Is expectation any different to judgement? If you expect a partner to join you in an activity and they don’t enjoy it, it can be disappointing and cement a belief that there’s no common interest. However, speaking to clients about this, and in my own experience, I would say that letting go of expectations allows the new and the magical to unfold lighting you both up in ways you never imagined.
3. Making Love in and out of the Bedroom - A beautiful Manifestation of a solid Inner Connection to your soul
There have been times during my 33-year (and continuing) marriage when I wondered what physical intimacy was all about. I’m talking about sex and sometimes it felt like it was just about relieving the tensions of life or ticking a box.
But then there is making love - and I'm not talking about calling a gentler sexual expression making love, but actually making love. Allow me to expand on that...
Making love is 'BEING LOVE' and coming together with another person to express it.
So, could it be that the difference between sex and making love lies not in the physical manifestation of intercourse, but rather within ourselves and how much we allow love into our lives?
With an empty nest, there’s space to reconnect physically, but when it’s from the joy of living love in your daily interactions, it becomes a culmination of that love ending in a shared intimacy.
Begin with Gentleness:
Before you throw in the towel and exclaim that the passion has gone, turn off the TV and without trying to emulate scenes from Hollywood or comparing yourself or your partner, start exploring each other authentically.
Be gentle and let go of doubt. Express your fears if you have any and be super patient and understanding of yourself and your partner.
Simple gestures like holding hands, hugging, sitting close to each other on the sofa or walking together, a smile over the breakfast table and the way you say goodbye at the door as you leave the house, are all part of making love.
Make Space for Romance: The way you treat yourself is not separate to any of this. You cannot make love with another if your movements throughout the day are hard, rushed or disregarding.
It’s in the way you touch, speak and move throughout the day that you rediscover the warmth and affectionate feelings within you that have stopped you from feeling intimate. Ask yourself this: If you were on a date with yourself, how would you treat yourself?
Be open to romance and your relationship will become more romantic.
4. Talk About it - You May be Sharing More Than You Realise
It’s common to feel all kinds of emotions when the kids leave home. You may be experiencing the side effects of perimenopause or other chronic conditions too. Perhaps a sense of identity loss or purposelessness. But your partner might be feeling the same emotional tension. Talk about these things together and they become less.
Letting go: I watched an old video recording of my eldest child when she was only 2 months old. I felt such a sense of loss as I watched it and I wondered where my baby was.
But the truth is that we have these attachments all through life with so many things. Could this be why we have trouble decluttering sometimes lol?
Nostalgia takes you out of the present and into another dimension that no longer exists. Learning to let go is a gentle action of observing tension and emotions that you hold on to and questioning their validity. So, rather like decluttering your wardrobe, be aware of what needs clearing and be absolute about it.
Appreciate the Changes and Support Each Other: It’s okay to admit that this transition feels difficult, but can you also appreciate and hone in on what feels great? Whether it's loneliness, sadness, or a sense of purpose that feels less defined, if you’re both able to explore, you may discover a shared vulnerability and a heightened appreciation of where you are. When you appreciate the present moment, there is expansion - every time you wish to be in another reality, there is contraction. Appreciation, therefore, is a beautiful art.
5. Be flexible:
The empty-nest stage is a time of rediscovery, not only individually but with your partner. Now that your roles as parents have changed, be flexible about how that might evolve.
New projects, travel, or making new friends can all look one way to you and another way to your partner but being flexible about exploring each other's impulses will bring you closer and allow you both to evolve in a shared purpose without the attachments.
Create New Rituals: Celebrate your relationship with loving rituals. Whether it’s a weekly date night, a morning walk together, or an annual getaway, it’s not so much about what it is but being very present and open to exploring different things. Any activity will be joyful with your full presence.
6. Practice Self-Care and Encourage Independence.
Relationships flourish when both partners feel strong and confident as individuals. We thrive when we drop the expectations we have of others and prioritise self-care.
Nurture Yourself: Self-care rituals are a-plenty, but how you do them is often missed out. Be tender with yourself in the small tasks of your day-to-day and they will feel like self-caring rituals. What's easy to add to your daily schedule? Exercise, healthy diets and good sleep patterns all help to boost your vitality and joy which also contribute to harmony in your relationship.
Respect Each Other’s Independence: While rediscovering shared interests is important, it’s equally essential to respect each other’s need for space to identify independent purposeful pursuits. This is a healthy dynamic where both partners feel supported and free to explore.
7. Seek Support When Needed
If you’re feeling lonely and you’re finding it hard to reconnect, don’t hesitate to seek support. Couples counseling or relationship coaching can provide tools and insights that can support you through this transition.
A final word: Don’t be Lonely - Embrace This New Chapter Together
The so-called empty nest is never empty. It's full of the warmth of your care and all that you’ve shared with your partner and children. They may not be physically in the house but they are always close. Any uncertainty and emotional distance feel real, but the truth is that love is an energy that is continuously offered to us all.
You have a beautiful opportunity to strengthen your relationship with yourself and your partner along with all of the people in your life. You and your partner can appreciate the space, transparent authentic communication and shared experiences which will deepen your connection and bring back the joy of being intimate. This chapter of life is not an end, but a beautiful new beginning - one where your relationship can grow deeper, stronger, and more connected than ever before.
Remember, you’re not alone. Reconnection brings you closer to the fulfilling, supportive partnership you both deserve.
If you're feeling the emptiness of the empty nest and it's interfering with your new purpose in life, I'd love to offer you my free pdf guide (with your authentic voice connection exercise included) "How to Feel Damned Good 50+ and Connect Deeply With Your Partner."
You will learn:
->How to tap into your innate confidence and feel empowered.
->Some effective health, harmony and happiness tips
->To discover the secrets to deeper intimacy with your partner.
->How to connect to and use your authentic voice for more successful relationships
Get your free guide by clicking below and enjoy your magnetic midlife miracle life Mmm!
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